Red Ropers aka #BootShaft

My awkward performance from the Fellows Reading

at the 2013 Writers Retreat for Emerging LGBT Voices

LLF DAY 5: Breaking Miguel

OK so I know I promised to keep everyone updated on the retreat. Unfortunately on the second day, I took a tumble down the stairs and have been needing crutches to get around. Navigating with them has been difficult since my room is on the 3rd floor and the meeting rooms are in another building in the second floor down and the cafeteria is just impossible to reach in my condition.

Anyway, it's been taking me about half an hour to 45 min to get to and from this meeting space. Because I'm so out of shape, it's been really hard to make a straight shot to my room. I have to take little breaks which add to the travel time.

So today when I got to my room, I was so frustrated at having to use these damn crutches and because I came all this way (and we paid sooo much money) and it wasn't the experience I'd planned to have. To top it all off, I haven't been able to shower since Tuesday morning. I smelled. 

Now you have to let me rant about this for a moment. Being a big fat guy, one of my big things is that I don't want to be the fat, sweaty, smelly guy. In addition, there's also that horrible thing that Mexicans smell bad. So in my real life, I try to go to great lengths not to even come close to those stereotypes.

But there I was a big fat brown boy literally crawling up the stairs to the third floor, sweaty, stinky and trying not to have a fucking lose my shit moment right there in the hallway.

I got into my room, somehow made it to my bed and ... well, I just cried. I lost my shit. I was living the thing I hate -- having to depend on others. I don't like it because people always let you down, right? They may not mean to do it but it almost always happens. I try my best not to be in a position where I have to do that. I have to be independent even it it means working three shifts in a row or crawling up the stairs.

But this isn't one of those I-don't-need-your-charity-or-your-money-because-you-just-want-to-have-power-over-me type of situations No, this is different because I have to depend on others. I need them to bring me food. I need them to help carry my bag. I need them to somehow get crutches for me so I can try to participate in this retreat.

After a nasty cry, I pulled myself together in time for one of my YA/Genre cohort members, dave ring, to bring me lunch. He wasn't the first. People have been doing that for almost every meal. The last few days made me realize I need to give people the chance to help. Ordinarily, I'd be the first one to offer because ... well, that's what you're supposed to do, right?

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been lone wolfing it all this time. I've been asking people to fill my water bottle, pull a chair out for me, hold the door and they've been happy to do it. But they don't know how freakin' difficult it's been for me to ask. I'm a stubborn old bitch.

But today, the breakdown cleansed me. And even though, I haven't been able to be the social butterfly I'd imagined myself being at this retreat, I'm thankful for the quality relationships that are developing because I've been able to lower my guard, let people see me be vulnerable, and trust that they want to help -- without wanting something in return.

Oh and I was able to do that shower in the bathroom sink thing. Your Miguel is clean -- spiritually, mentally, and physically.

LLF DAY1: Ghosts of Fellows Past

The day started at 2 AM with me loading up the car and driving to the Kansas City airport.
Economy lot.
Bus to the terminal.
Check-in.
TSA molestation.
Waiting for an hour to board.

Soccer boys on the plane.
Won the championship in KC.
One fell asleep on my shoulder.
He apologized then did it again.

Landed at LAX.
Went hunting for queer writers.
Went to the observation deck of that white thingy that looks like two McDonald's french fries crossed.

Waited for queers.

Waited for queers here.

Queers landing at American Jewish University

Gays lounging

Immediately after arriving, I felt a longing for last year's Lambda Fellows who weren't there with me. I took a moment to sort of absorb it for them and send them good energy to remind us of our time here last summer. 

I also made the decision that in order for me to get the most out of this year's workshop, I needed to be fully present. That means not longing for last year or for boring the new fellows with tales of how we did things -- unless they asked.

They're a fine group of writers and I owe it to them, and myself, not to cast a shadow on this year's experience. Though I feel the essence of last years fellows are here with me. And it feels nice.

So with that, I posted a message on Facebook to last year's fellows asking them for any advice to impart to this year's group.

2012 YA Lambda Literary Fellows

GOOOOAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to everyone who donated to my Lambda Literary Foundation fund! 

I needed to collect a whopping $1,300 and you guys exceeded that goal by $170!!

The excess funds do not go to me but they will go to the Lambda Literary Foundation which does so much to support LGBT and Queer writers. Thank you for encouraging my efforts and strengthening them.

Please follow me on Facebook and Twitter to keep track of my progress at the Writers Retreat for Emerging LGBT Voices!

You can follow more of this year's LLF fellows by tracking the #LLFellows2013 hashtag

¡Otra Vez!

I'M A RETURNING LLF FELLOW!

2012 LLF Fellows Kima  Jones and Miguel M. Morales. photo by Kima Jones

How exciting to be a one of the few Lambda Literary Foundation Fellows who'll return to the LLF familia for the Writers Retreat for Emerging LGBT Voices at the American Jewish University campus in Los Angeles this summer!

Unfortunately, returning fellows are not eligible for scholarships. That means your Miguel has to come up with $1,650 $1,300 for tuition/board as well as secure my own travel.YIKES!!

Last year, I kept donors updated on my progress at the retreat using this blog (tagged: LLF) and by posting to Facebook and Twitter. This year I'll continue keeping supporters informed using the same backchannels.

The retreat takes place July 28-Aug. 4 so I'm offering the following:

▼ Anyone making a donation (any amount) will receive an original poem, short story, or essay.

▼ Anyone donating $50 or more will receive an autographed limited-edition bound compilation of my work.

▼ Anyone donating $100 or more will receive the autographed limited-edition bound compilation, a CD of some of my readings and speeches, and some sort of tote bag (hey, it works for PBS!).

Making a tax-deductible donation, is easy and safe -- simply click the DonorPages graph in the upper right corner or at the end of this post.

To inquire about supporting my travel expenses (not included as part of this Donor Page account), please contact me on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks!!

ABOUT MIGUEL

I live in Kansas but grew up in the Texas panhandle working as a migrant farmworker and child laborer. As a journalist, I earned the Society of Professional Journalists’ First Amendment Award. I currently serve on the board of The Latino Writers Collective board. I am also a founding member of Fabulous Queer Writers of Kansas City! 

My work is featured in: 

• Primera Página: Poetry from the Latino Heartland 
• Cuentos del Centro: Stories from the Latino Heartland 
• From Macho to Mariposa: New Gay Latino Fiction 
• To the Stars Through Difficulties: A Kansas Renga in 150 Voices 
• Joto: An Anthology of Queer Xicano & Chicano Poetry (forthcoming) 

ABOUT MIGUEL'S LLF PROJECT

I am working on an LGBT YA novel about a gay migrant farmworker and his family. In addition to being from this community, I help facilitate writers workshops for migrant youth. Trust me, these stories need to be told. This project takes inspiration from those students and from the works of Rigoberto González, Sandra Cisneros, and many others. A side project has developed from this effort -- a poetry manuscript detailing the life of migrant youth. 

I want to thank everyone for their support, not just on this project but for a lifetime of love and encouragement. 

gracias, 

 miguel

Miguel in Reads in Los Angeles

At Lambda Literary Foundation's 2012 Writers Retreat for Emerging LGBT Voices, 45 fellows in Fiction, Nonfiction, Poetry, and Young Adult Fiction each gave brief readings of their work.

This is mine.

LLF DAY 6: BONUS

I Just Totally Posted That!!

Annameekee Hesik, author of "The You Know Who Girls: Freshman Year" reads a found poem compiled from her students' Facebook statuses for one day. The reading takes place at the Lambda Literary Foundation's 2012 Writers Retreat for Emerging LGBT Voices

LLF DAY 6: Double Mitzvah

Awaiting Scholastic Inc Publisher, Arthur A. Levine

The YA cohort finally finished its manuscript critiques! YAY for YA! We enthusiastically turned our attention to our long-awaited writing prompts.

A few days after Lambda notified the us we’d been selected for the retreat, our mentor sent an email asking the YA group to do the following:

ü Read Anne Lamott's book, "Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life"

ü Bring a 15-25 page manuscript of an unpublished work-in-progress for critique.

ü Bring hard copies of all the other participants’ manuscripts noting (a) strong points, what worked, what kept you reading, etc., and (b) what you think could be improved/strengthened, what would inspire you to read more, etc.

ü Bring a favorite poem about growing up.

• Bring one photo of you taken during your teen years.
• Bring a CD with a song that was important to you when you were a teenager.
• Bring one pad of blank Post-It Notes.
• Bring a favorite scene (1 page) from either a young adult novel or a novel that inspired you when you were a teen.

Every morning we stared the session with a poem or two. By day 6 we’d burned through all the poems. Today we brought our teen photos. We all agreed my roommate Jef had the best photo. It was his prom photo and it was so horribly bad that it was good. It was out of focus, bad poses, people halfway out of frame, I mean it was classic. It was the kind of bad photo you’d proudly put on the inside of your locker door and know it was totally rad.

In preparing my list of items to bring to the retreat, I forgot about the photo. On the plane, I looked over the list from Alex and remembered I hadn’t selected a photo. When my friend picked me up, we went to his house and I logged onto Facebook to print a photo (any photo) of young Miguel.

My photo, like Jef's, was of my senior prom. I sat at the banquet table (it was a dinner-dance). The guys sat on one side of the table and their dates sat across from them. On my side, all the guys wore white tuxedo shirts. Mine was pink. Across from me, my date was the only one wearing a bow tie and a white dinner jacket. Everyone else in his row had big '80s hair and prom dresses to match.There we sat, two guys at prom, and no one said a word. We took our prom photo together like everyone else. Even then, 25 years ago, it was strange how natural it felt for us to go to prom together. I don’t remember anyone making a big deal out of it. If they did, I never heard about it.

Teen years can be difficult so I was happy most of the group shared their picture and their stories. Some didn’t and I respect that because looking deeper at my picture, I could’ve written some dark stuff. It wasn’t all rainbows and glitter for young Miguel.

LLF DAY 5: Rewrites and Rewards

LLF Fellows reading (L-R) Miguel M. Morales, Rachel L. Pepper, AJ Reyes, Nina Packebush, Christina Clover, Bridget Birdsall. Photo courtesy of Rachel L. Pepper

For the past few days the YA group sat for three hours each day for intense manuscript critiques and very little writing. The critique sessions starting to get tiresome. Maybe it was just me. I got feedback on my work earlier in the week. But everyone deserved to get proper feedback and for that feedback to be as fresh as it was on the first day. That’s what I tried to offer. I also took notes on the other critique sessions. Some of it made sense for my manuscript or for my writing in general.

After the usual round of feedback, we worked on a handout from our faculty mentor. It felt good to do some writing and to focus on exercises that allowed me to learn more about the characters I’ve created and the world they inhabit.

After lunch part of the YA group had decided to visit the Getty Museum which was just a few miles away. I really wanted to go but I decided to stay and work on my revisions for the LLF fellows reading that evening. The first part of the week, LLF faculty mentors read their work in a stunning display. Well, it was our turn. This was the first of two days where LLF fellows would read. A few of the YA fellows signed up for the first day taking various spaces in the top 10 slots. I signed up with them just to get it over with and to have the comfort of reading in the company of my cohort. We learned about the reading a few weeks before the retreat so I made sure to bring some of my poems. I’d never read from my manuscript in public and I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

At lunch, I sat at a table with the incredible Jewelle Gomez and she asked me what I planned to read. I know. Let me stop there because you’re probably like, “Wait, wait, wait. Jewelle Gomez talked to you and she asked what you were going to read?”

Uh, yeah. She did. And I think I know why:

LLF DAY 4: Twenty Lousy Bucks!

photo courtesy of  Alysia Angel

By day four, everyone settled into the routine of intense class work, homework, and rewrites. It seemed to me that we were being polite, professional and, well, a bit stiff. The evening program included a publisher’s panel that sorta sucked the energy from the group, energy that had been building over shared meals and classroom discussions.

After the panel, I returned to my residence hall. Deciding to step away from my uncomfortable dorm desk with its rickety chair, I walked down the hall to the dorm lounge. I spread out my work on a table. A few moments later, my roommate, Jef, joined me. We’d developed a friendship and rhythm that doesn’t come easily for me when I meet someone new. It comforted me to know I could still connect that way with another person especially since I’ve spent the last few years making sure no one got particularly close. Jef and I worked quietly in the lounge interrupting the silence with an occasional observation or question then returning our attention to our laptops.

The atmosphere suddenly changed when Christina Clover, the loveliest of Brits and one of the YA participants, stepped into the lounge. She was waiting for another LLF fellow to return to campus with her wine. Christina plopped down on the sofa and asked, “Present company accepted, who would you shag? Who do you fancy?”

Ohhh, she was naughty and inappropriate and we loved it! Since our pinky swear is still in effect, I won’t go into the details of who we dubbed shaggable and/or snoggable. I’ll just say we had terrific fun. Tequila made an appearance, as did Nina’s beer and Christina’s wine. Other members of the YA cohort joinedour inappropriate fun. It’s as if we’d been waiting for this breakthrough, a chance to let our hair down and to finally stop sucking in our guts. We laughed from that authentic place where we were free to be who we were and we were doing it around people who made us feel safe. I’m sure this happened to other LLF fellows across campus. LGBT writers were bonding.

Of course, we also talked about our manuscripts, about writing, about our writing communities. As Nina, Christina’s roommate, was talking about her graphic novel, I realized how easily I could’ve missed all this because of a lousy twenty bucks.

Back in the spring when I looked over the application for the retreat, I frowned at the twenty dollar fee. I mean, clearly, twenty dollars isn't much money but it adds up if you apply for several contests or fellowships. I was still trying to clear my credit card bill from the expense of the AWP conference in Chicago a few months earlier. I knew I wanted to apply to LLF but, twenty dollars, that's my gas utility bill. Twenty dollars is enough to get me to work for month. Twenty dollars is half of my cellphone bill. I mean, I kept thinking of the things I needed to do with twenty bucks. Finally, I had to say to myself, "Dude, it's only twenty dollars. Are you really gonna let twenty bucks keep you from what could be an incredible opportunity?"

That week, I easily cut back on a frivolous expense to cover the application fee. Actually, it was such a frivolous expense that I don’t even remember what it was. Clearly, my apprehension wasn’t because I couldn't spare twenty bucks. It was something else. It was the inner-voice in me that said, “They’re not gonna pick you. You’re just wasting twenty dollars. Sure, you’re talented enough for Kansas City but you can’t compete with people from all over the country. These are educated people, people with published books, people who won’t understand you – they never do.”

But another voice in me said, “You can do this. They will pick you. You know they’re going to pick you. Twenty dollars is nothing! You give twenty dollars to just about anyone who needs it. And let me tell you this, buddy, you need it. This is an investment in yourself. You have to decide if you’re worth twenty dollars. And if you’re not, well, then you’ve got a lot bigger problems than trying to scrape together twenty bucks.”

After our evening of inappropriate fun and bonding, I laid on my noisy concave mattress knowing I’d made the right decision. The twenty dollar application fee and the rest of the money spent on the trip was worth it – and it was only Tuesday.

LLF DAY 3: Revisions Are Like Porn

Deeper, Harder, Faster

Though I haven't finished reviewing the written notes the LLF YA fellows made to their copies of my manuscript, the overriding suggestions during my critique were for me to go deeper, harder, and faster.

Deeper: My character, a migrant farmworker child, wins over the reader early in the story. However, he takes a quick, unexpected, and unexplained turn towards anger that makes him unlikable. Dig deeper to find the true emotion manifesting itself as anger. It's essential to keep the reader rooting for my character otherwise, he's a spoiled brat.

Harder: Going deeper means not only means tapping into the emotional life of the character but it also means raising the stakes. What complication would make it harder my my protagonist to reach his goal, his need? What could make the situation worse? What would happen if he fails to reach his goal?

Faster: Enough with the background at the beginning. Get to some action straight away and show us how the character responds. The reader wants to experience the action along with the character, not to be told about it afterwards through a flashback via the filter of the main character. Show the action but remember to connect the action with emotion.

The group offered insightful and constructive suggestions. I expected that because they're all so talented and accomplished. What I didn't expect was for them to validate my story. I mean, I know it's an important story to tell. Yet each person, at the start of their critique, said the story is valuable. They said it's significant. They said it's a story they want to hear. They want me to finish it. I mean, that just blew me away.

I thought maybe my writer's group would find it interesting and maybe some of the migrant youth I work with would take a look at it. Yet people with little or no connection to the Latino community -- especially the farmwoker community -- said they want to know more about these lives. It makes me ... I don't know ... happy is such a simple word ... but it makes me happy.

Thank you YA fellows for acknowledging farmworker youth.

LLF DAY 2: Retreat to Move Forward

The second day, which was the first full day of the retreat, began with my roommate, Jef, taking what I estimate to be a 90 second shower in the morning. Come on, Jef, that's not even enough time for me to snoop though your stuff.

We made our way to the cafeteria for eggs and soysage and good conversation with other Lambda Literary Foundation (LLF) fellows.

Once the morning sessions began, Alex Sanchez, our YA (Young Adult) mentor, guided us through some exercises designed to help focus our characters, plot, action, etc. I found these incredibly helpful and reassuring on some of the choices I've made. Then we started the week-long task of reviewing each other's manuscripts. We focused our attention on Annameekee Hesik's The You Know Who Girls: Sophomore Year.

I won't go into the specifics of the feedback participants receive. However, I will say that I took some of  the feedback and applied it to my own manuscript. So, thanks Annameekee for volunteering to go first and for letting me learn from your session.

My manuscript was supposed to be next but we ran out of time (yay!).

I took the afternoon break to clear my mind, reflect on the intense morning session, and think about where I wanted my story to go. I also have this thing about reading in public so I was trying not to freak out too much about having to read 2 pages of my manuscript to the class.

After dinner LLF presented a faculty reading. I took my flipcam to record it but at the last moment I decided to just experience it and not watch it through a tiny digital screen. I'm glad I put the camera away.

The faculty mentors read in reverse alphabetical order starting with our mentor Alex, then Cris Beam, Jewelle Gomez, and Dorothy Allison.

Thank goodness I had the presence of mind to recognize this opportunity to study their reading styles instead of just sitting there with my mouth open. LLF recorded the reading so I won't try to summarize them. When they're uploaded, I'll repost. Just be ready to be amazed.

After the reading came the opportunity for questions. Again, I can't relay all the important information these established and esteemed writers shared. Though, I was able to scrawl a few gems onto my pad.

Jewelle Gomez on mining personal experiences without letting it become traumatic:

Get to the place where the paper cuts you but you don't bleed to death.

on performance readings:

It's about the sound of the words as well as the meaning.

I don't have the exact quote from Dorothy Allison (I hope she forgives me for skewing/slaughtering her words) but she essentially suggested identifying those tragic family stories we've shaped to be funny in order to diminish the tragedy. Go ahead, brush away the humor. Rewrite those stories as the tragedies they are. Absorb them. Then, rewrite those stories again and layer some of the humor back into them.

She also mentioned the Chick-fil-A situation in the LGBT community noting that sometimes rage is the catalyst for writing. However, she was quick to add:

If I'm gonna write out of rage, it's gonna be layered and textured.

That wasn't just a reading -- it was a master class.

I returned to my room where Jef and I worked on homework. As we worked, sometimes talking, sometimes not, I knew I wasn't the same writer I was two days ago. I've changed.

When I worked in HIV education, we based our outreach on a behavioral theory model (I don't remember the name) but one of the stages proposes that when a subject is exposed to HIV prevention information, he or she absorbs the information and is presented with a choice. The subject can dismiss the information or move forward with it. Yet, whatever action the subject takes, the information can't be un-introduced. It's now part of the individual.

That's how I felt at the end of day 2.

My only choice is to move forward with the information the faculty mentors and LLF fellows have unreservedly shared. I mean, I came all this way at great expense. It would be illogical to dismiss their information.

My inner Vulcan agreed.

DAY 1: Lambda Literary Foundation Retreat

Writers Retreat for Emerging LGBT Voices

After a long day of travel, I arrived in LA for the LLF retreat. I spent the morning with my friend Pat, who I haven't seen in many years. I also met his partner, Tony. I was a bit nervous about meeting up with them because ... well, I don't know why. I just was. 

I feel like I wasn't as engaging as some of the friends they're used to because the truth is that Miguel is probably only good in small doses. Besides, I'd been up since 4:30 AM.

Pat gave me a ride to the American Jewish University where the LLF retreat is being held. 

Being a bit shy, I sort of absorbed the atmosphere and the electricity these queer writers emanated. And of course, when it was time for us to introduce ourselves, I cried. 

I gave my name and said where I'm from but when I got to the next part, that's when my emotions got ahead of my words. I think I said something like, "The reason I'm here is to tell the stories I would have liked to have read when I was young."

Now, that's not particularly emotional and I really didn't even mean to say it. But, you know, I wanted to be as honest as I could. And ... blah ... it all just came out and I cried. I'm going to blame that on sleep deprivation and the stress of not letting any of my dishes or plates touch the table during our group dinner (Kosher kitchen).

Who's that Gay Fellow?

That would be me. I'm a Lambda Literary Foundation Fellow!

Last month, I applied for the Lambda Literary Foundation's Writers Retreat for Emerging LGBT Voices. I'd heard about and was encouraged to apply for the week-long residency program when I attended the AWP conference in Chicago.

We are pleased to inform you of your acceptance into the 2012 workshop ... More applications this year than in any previous year made the selection process extremely competitive. Congratulations on taking your place among an outstanding field of applicants! 


The emailed message continued, "This year also brought us a challenging economic climate, and we have faced difficult decisions in allocating the available scholarship funds."

I'm so happy that they awarded me a partial scholarship to help cover some of the expenses including tuition. However, I'm responsible for the remaining $650 for room and board. I'm also responsible for travel to the retreat which will take place at the American Jewish University in Los Angeles, Calif.

Clearly, papa's gotta get some chedda, yo.

In order to help meet expenses, LLF fellows are authorized as fundraisers and may use the foundation's Donor Pages to accept tax-deductible donations.

A few years ago I would have never thought something like this could happen for me. Yet because you believed in me, I believed in myself. I believed I could be a writer. It's all I ever wanted to be.

You may not be in a position to help. I understand that -- really, I do. And I know this is  a strange way to ask for help, but I can't ask for help without saying 'thank you' for what you've already done. So, thank you for a lifetime of encouragement and support.

My Donor Page

To inquire about travel expenses (not included in the Donor Page account),contact me on Facebook or Twitter.